I have a 10YO who is very mature for his age and a 6YO who is a little brother. Twice in the last week, I had to explain to the older boy how to give his younger brother constructive feedback. Both conversations boiled down to me stating that of course many things could be improved, but we should look for the one thing which would make the most difference. I explained to my oldest son how this avoids an overwhelming feeling and gives the most important feedback the emphasis.
Both times I thought how I need reminding of that too.
How many times have I over-efficiently listed all the things wrong instead of honing in on the one, most important, thing to work on to make the biggest difference?
Is it lack of self-control or an overly high opinion of myself which tempts me to list all the wrongs present? Or is it just an insensitivity to others and how/when they learn?
My on-going assumptions haunt me. Just because we are the same age, in the same profession, and both working on the same thing – why doesn’t that person deserve the care I am coaching my older son to take with my younger son? Every learner deserves the same care.
So what is the one – most important – thing I can do to better help people? To self-truncate my lists of future improvements. To sensor with the care I want to show my youngest boy. To be helpful in a way which helps to prioritize, but not overwhelm. To be available in a way which builds repeat encounters and stronger relationships.
2018-07-15 at 12:07 pm
Amazing article thanks for sharing 🙂
2018-07-24 at 8:31 am
I love how you taught us to be kind in a nonjudgemental way.
2018-07-24 at 9:49 am
My husband and I plan on giving our future kids lots of constructive criticism, filled with kind words that are helpful, not harmful 🙂
2018-07-24 at 10:15 am
It is wonderful how you talked with your son and explain things to him. Giving him an example to look up too and understand that you practice what you are teaching him.
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2018-07-24 at 11:21 am
It is great that you are taking this active role in raising your kids. I have to be cognizant of the lives I am shaping when I discipline or coach my kids.
2018-07-24 at 11:46 am
What a great way to explain things, I am the parent, but I am going to use your advice as well. Simplifying things is the smartest move!
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2018-07-24 at 12:42 pm
Time is the thing kids want most and sadly too many parents just have so little left after their long work days. So, I would agree that making your time quality and count with kindness and love and of course teaching moments is great.
2018-07-24 at 12:45 pm
I was raised to understand what constructive criticism was and how to understand it. As such I give out the same. I’m often surprised by people that can’t handle it.
2018-07-24 at 12:51 pm
That is a wise concept and good advice to all parents (and siblings). It’s easy to criticize, but doing so constructively, and in a way that will actually benefit the receiver, is an art.
2018-07-24 at 2:41 pm
Yes, I always try to list things I like before going into things that need to be improved with my kids. I try to do this with other people as well.
2018-07-24 at 3:04 pm
Wow, this helped me a lot. I didn’t realize I did the same thing, but reading this it perfectly articulates a lot of what I had been thinking. I’m definitely going to use some tips to curb the way I provide feedback because I know the kids are getting it from me.
This was such perfect timing by the way. I just had to get on to my son about the way he talks to his younger sister.
2018-07-24 at 4:29 pm
You do in so many situations have to think about how your words may be heard. How they may be taken by the person they are aimed at, you need to put it nicely and constructively as you say.
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2018-07-24 at 6:46 pm
I really enjoyed reading this post. This is a really important conversation to have with the kiddos. Constructive criticism is so important.
2018-07-24 at 9:51 pm
I think I too get wrapped up in the little details of what my kids do. I like to set high standards because its good for kids, but I could be more understanding.
2018-07-25 at 2:18 am
I agree, it’s so important to be mindful of that! You never know how someone will be impacted by what you say so I try not to be critical.
2018-07-25 at 2:31 am
My sister and I have the same age difference. Whatever the case is, our parents always talk to us as equals and let us understand practical things.
2018-07-25 at 6:40 am
I have two kids who are so different in many ways although so close in age. Hubby and I always try to talk to them the way they would understand. You are doing a great job with yours.
2018-07-25 at 6:46 am
Thanks!
2018-07-25 at 11:33 am
Such a teachable moment. My eldest can be very quick to correct her siblings. But teaching her to effectively guide her younger sisters is a life skill she will take with her elsewhere.
2018-07-26 at 11:41 am
Great post, I enjoyed reading it. Constructive criticism is very important though it’s a shame that some people can’t differentiate or handle one.
2018-07-26 at 8:06 pm
I am not yet married yet and I guess this is a good idea on how to raise your kids. Indeed right and open communication is the best way to include in raising them.
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2018-07-29 at 1:05 am
Love the way you are teaching your younger ones..Thanks for the post
2019-03-15 at 5:29 pm
Great post! We all want to learn but being taught kindness at the same time is priceless! Thank you for sharing!